


Nature Hike

by AutumnHamada



Category: Naruto, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: (especially the author), Basically everyone's an idiot, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, It's all in good fun, Possibly Out of Character, and Eren's, rated t for sasuke's potty mouth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 13:43:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12082224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutumnHamada/pseuds/AutumnHamada
Summary: Well if not even my best bro is gonna go after me, then fuck this village,he thinks before ninjaing his way into the forest, never to be seen again.Sasuke runs off into the forest, meets a completely lost Titan who has no idea where he is or even how he got into this world, and most certainlyisseen again.I should never have read this. -New York TimesOnce you finish it, you’ll want to shower in cold water. -Ann RiceWhat the everliving fuck? -John Green10/10 a shitposting masterpiece in fanfic form. -Buzzfeed





	Nature Hike

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: Once there was a person who was super bored and had way too much time on their hands, so they decided to write something. This is the monster that came from it. (Ignore any discontinuities with canon. This is crack, and also I haven’t watched/read either of these series in forever.) (Also I wrote the reviews before writing the fic, but they... kinda still apply, lmao)

Sasuke lies there panting next to his bro after having lost an arm. Chuckling quietly, he says under his breath, “We match.”

Sakura cries loudly while holding them both near her, and he thinks to himself, _Why does she have to be so loud, I’m right here, it’s my_ arm _I lost, not my ears._

He struggles to look over to see his bro, Naruto; they lock eyes and simultaneously roll them in annoyance and solidarity. If it wasn’t because they were both tired and missing arms, they would have thrown her to the side and walked off into the sunset hand in hand—completely forgetting the fact that they both still have one perfectly good, working arm each. They are idiots, but they are in love, so we forgive them.

Eventually, Sakura stops crying only to begin to yell at them about how she’s so glad they’re okay, then she tells them both that she can fix their arms. He declines, expecting his bro to do the same, but Naruto takes up the offer. The betrayal! He thought they were going to be missing-arm bros. Finding strength in being petty, he shakes off Sakura—who was working on stopping the bleeding anyway—and stands up, holding back tears, and begins to walk away while spouting some bullshit about redeeming himself and finding out what he really stands for. He looks back, hoping that his bro would follow after him and talk sweet nothings to him, but no. That little shit was too busy fixing his fucking arm.

 _Well if not even my best bro is gonna go after me, then fuck this village,_ he thinks before ninjaing his way into the forest, never to be seen again.

He has no set destination in mind, instead allowing his feet to take him where they will, stumbling through the undergrowth with tears clouding his vision. What seems like only minutes later, he crashes into something, bouncing back and landing on his arse in that really cheesy and unrealistic manner that happens in anime. He shakes his head to clear it and looks up to see a giant naked man. “Why doesn’t he have a penis,” he blurts, too surprised and dumbstruck to care that no one’s around to hear him.

He stands and directs his next words up to the naked giant. “Bro, where are your clothes! Have some shame, there could be _children_ here!” he says, not realizing, since he’s a teenager, that he is a child himself.

But the giant merely continues on its way, barely even having noticed this minor nuisance. Sasuke is little more than a tiny baby cricket to it.

Tired of people ignoring him, he searches for a tree by the giant’s path and plants himself on a high branch at about its ear level. He cups his hand around his mouth and yells, “Yo, Naked Giant Bro! Put some fucking pants on! No one wants to see that shit!”

The giant finally stops and turns to look at him and inches its grotesque face nearer to Sasuke’s. _I hope he doesn’t breathe on me, that would be gross,_ Sasuke silently prays to himself. The giant breathes on him and it smells like it had a decaying skunk for breakfast.

“Have you no fear, young one? I am a Titan, Eater of Humans. I have met many who were fearless like you, yet in the end, they all met their fates in my stomach,” the giant says with a… grin? Is it supposed to be grinning? Sasuke isn’t sure, but he wishes it would stop and back away. _God_ , that breath is lethal.

Sasuke slowly backs away toward the tree trunk in an effort to breathe fresh air which proves futile. There is no escape. He pinches his nose and yells, “Bro, have you ever heard of this wicked cool thing called breath mints? They do _wonders_ for that decaying food smell! You should really try it sometime. And by sometime, I mean now.”

The giant squints and looks at him like, _what the fuck?_ It sighs—thankfully after having turned away from Sasuke—and foul-smelling steam starts to leak in huge clouds from its skin. Sasuke coughs and waves his hand in front of his face in an attempt to clear it away. Once the clouds have cleared enough that he can see again, the giant is gone—and far below him where it had been standing is a teen his own age, surreptitiously trying to smell his breath on his hand.

He jumps down to where the bro is and looks him straight in the eye. “Bro, what kind of jutsu was that! And why doesn’t it come with pants.”

With a confused-ass look, the bro replies, “What the fuck is a jutsu?”

 _Ah geez, not another Naruto to explain shit to._ “What you just did.”

The bro, apparently realizing in that moment that he won’t get a proper answer, sighs and says, “Whatever, just be real with me, man. Does my breath really reek that much?”

Smelling the bro’s breath near him again, Sasuke suppresses a gag and says, “Yeah, it really does. Seriously bro, pop a mint in that death cavern.” Unable to handle that breath, he adds, “Stay here real quick, bro, I’m gonna get something to fix that mess,” and runs into the forest. In minutes, he returns with a handful of mint leaves, tells the bro to open his mouth, and shoves the leaves right in. With a strength he’s never known before, he keeps the bro’s mouth closed and orders, “Chew.”

The bro struggles against Sasuke’s grip, but partway through, he stills and appears to notice the messily tied cloth covering the nub where Sasuke’s elbow should be right by the bro’s face. His eyes roll back in his head and he goes limp as he passes out—though whether it’s because he’s a squeamish weakling or it’s from the lack of oxygen, Sasuke isn’t sure; the bro kinda looks like it could be either.

Sasuke feels the bro slump against his arm like a dead weight and drops him. _I am not holding this bro when I only have one arm,_ he thinks. _I gotta save my strength for the road._

He crouches down by the bro’s head, leans in to sniff at his open mouth—from which the mint leaves are pouring out—and smells the minty freshness. Satisfied, he turns to continue his journey, leaving the bro behind in the forest. As the sky begins to darken, Sasuke considers rejoining he passed-out bro for a diversion to use against predators before remembering that he’s a trained ninja and, in his head at least, invincible to all around him.

After what seems like hours of wandering through the forest, Sasuke is so tired from the blood loss, starvation, the grueling battle that he was part of, and his day-long trek through the forest that his hearing doesn’t catch the thundering sound of footsteps coming steadily toward him. A familiar voice yells with all its might, “How dare you leave me in the middle of the fucking forest with nasty fucking leaves in my mouth?!” causing Sasuke to turn just in time to be thrown backward by the bro’s feet connecting with his stomach.

Sasuke hits a tree and passes out.

* * *

Meanwhile, Mikasa is running about frantically, grabbing anyone she can by their collars and half yelling, “Have you seen Eren?”

“Uh… who’s Eren?” a random person of no importance asks, trembling.

Mikasa throws him to the side, muttering under her breath, _Useless. I gotta find him. Who knows what danger he’s thrown himself into!_

She runs off and continues her search for Eren’s irrational self, leaving mayhem in her wake. Soon, she comes to a crossroads and skids to a stop, turning in place to survey her surroundings and try to determine where Eren might have gone. Far down the road in the direction that she came from, she sees a small blur streaking toward her. Curious, she lets it approach, and soon enough she can make out that it’s Armin yelling, “Mikasa! Wait! I want to help find Eren too!”

She picks a random road and takes off.

* * *

After who knows how long, Sasuke wakes to a pain in his head, a crackling noise, a soft light, and warmth. He opens his eyes just barely to see the bro roasting rabbits on a fire.

“Well, lookie here, if it isn’t Sleeping Beauty waking up from her nap.”

“Shut up, I left you there for survival.”

“What do you mean survival, I could have _died_ , you arse.”

“Yeah, that was the plan. I never said it was for _your_ survival, bro. You’re actually heavier than you look. Also if you haven’t noticed, I don’t got an arm,” Sasuke says, wiggling his stump of an arm.

The bro, apparently just now, like, realizing that Sasuke’s stumpy arm wasn’t a hallucination or something, stays quiet and continues roasting the rabbits while muttering under his breath something about how hearing a thanks would be nice. Just then, Sasuke’s stomach ruins the somber silence by letting out a roar so loud that it could be mistaken for a whale-sized lion. The bro takes one of the rabbits and shoves it at Sasuke, who grudgingly takes it and begins to eat.

“The name’s Eren.”

“…Okay?”

“Dear god, were you raised by wolves or something? It’s common courtesy to introduce yourself too.”

“It’s hard to learn manners when your entire clan was wiped out by your brother because the village deemed your family a threat. Leaving me with no one since he was considered a criminal. You douche,” Sasuke spits out.

The silence settles over them once again, only breaking when Sasuke chewed. Eren stares at him for a moment before he begins to eat his rabbit as well. “Hey bro, you’re not the only one who has a tragic backstory,” he says between bites. “I saw my mom get eaten by a fucking Titan, with my father nowhere to be found. You ain’t special. I also had to live without a family.” Tears begin to form in his eyes at the memory, but he brushes them away.

“…Sasuke. My name is Sasuke."

* * *

Meanwhile, Naruto’s eating ramen, thinking to himself, _I feel like I’m forgetting something, something important._ At that moment, Sakura walks in and takes a seat next to him.

“Do you think he’ll ever come back here again?” she asks. “I mean, he’s left once, what if… what if this time he leaves the village for good?”

“…That’s something for him to decide himself, but I have a feeling he’ll return.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“I don’t know, call it a gut feeling, but I’m gonna believe it,” Naruto says with a huge grin. “Now, I gotta ask, is there something important I might be forgetting, Sakura?”

“I don’t know, but I saw Hinata on my way over here and she looked hella pissed,” Sakura says, cocking her head in question.

“That’s right!” Naruto exclaims in realization. He chugs the soup and stands up abruptly, slamming the money down onto the counter. “It was nice talking to you, but I gotta go.”

“Naruto, what did you do to that poor girl!” she says.

“Nothing too serious, I just may have accidentally made out with Sai when I got really drunk. So hasta la see ya!” Naruto says as he jets out of the shop.

“Naaaruutooooo!!! You sleaze! Come back here and face your punishment, you coward!” Hinata yells from somewhere behind him.

Naruto speeds his steps, not even bothering to sneak a glance behind him, hoping to disappear into the darkness nearer to the outskirts of the village. And his decision never to look back is only solidified by the sound of what can only be called a banshee scream following him.

* * *

Sasuke wakes with a start and begins to punch Eren awake. “Bro, bro, wake up! Did you hear that? It sounds like a dragon getting waxed for the first time.”

Eren, now covered in bruises, says, “Dude, you really gotta work on waking people up gently. And no, I did _not_ hear anything because I was in pain from you punching me!”

Sasuke looks at Eren and mutters, _wimp,_ under his breath before falling back asleep.

* * *

The warmth of the sun gently kisses Sasuke awake, and he slowly opens his eyes only for the sun to betray him and try to burn his retinas so he’ll go blind. Using his arm to shield his eyes from the traitorous beast that is the sun, he scans the makeshift camp for Eren. When he doesn’t see a trace of the guy, he almost lets out a sigh of relief. That is, at least, until he hears the rustling of leaves; he jumps to his feet and takes a defensive stance, only to find that it’s Eren noisily making his way back to their little camp with some fish in his arms.

“Well, are you just gonna sit there or are you gonna help me make a fire? I mean, that’s the least you can do since you don’t wake up until years later. Or do I have to do everything, princess?” Eren says while struggling not to drop the still-squirming fish.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t get your panties in a bind,” Sasuke sighs.

They stare each other down while Sasuke blows fire from his mouth onto the wood pile, leaving Eren speechless until the outrage soon takes over.

“You can breathe fire?!” Eren exclaims, flabbergasted.

“…Yeah.”

“Then why the fuck did I spend hours making a fire last night when you could’ve just lit it up with your breath!”

“…You didn’t ask.”

“Oh, so now I’m supposed to just go around asking, ‘Hey, can you breathe fire?’ to everyone I meet?”

“Well, it’s common courtesy, you know,” Sasuke sasses with a smirk.

“You ass… Whatever, just help me grill the fish, okay?”

Sasuke reaches out to grab a fish from Eren, and when he lifts his stub of an arm, Eren blinks and says, “Oh yeah. I forgot you only got one arm. It’s okay, I got this.”

“No,” Sasuke says forcefully, snatching the fish from Eren. “Just ‘cause I only got one arm doesn’t mean I can’t do shit, asshole.”

Sasuke marches over to the fire, grabs a stick, stabs the fish, and places it near the fire. Eren, suppressing a laugh at how awkward and determined he is, joins him and starts grilling his own fish in a much more sophisticated manner.

“Look dude, I didn’t mean to offend you, I just wanted to be considerate. Forgive me.”

“I guess, just don’t do it again or else I’ll fry you alive,” Sasuke threatens.

Eren blanches, then quickly turns his attention back to his fish. They grill in silence for a while, forgetting about the world they left completely, those fools.

* * *

Eren slaps Sasuke on the back, tears in his eyes from laughing too hard. “You’re kidding me, right, this Naruto person can’t be real. I mean, seriously, who messes up that bad.”

“ _You’re_ telling _me_ —just imagine being in not only the same class but on the same _team_ as him. But you know… he wasn’t all bad… I wonder what he’s up to?” Sasuke says, staring dreamily off into the distance.

Eren stays quiet a moment before asking, “If you miss him so much… why’d you leave?”

“It—It’s personal, bro. I’d rather not talk about it,” Sasuke says, looking away because he’s realized that his reason for leaving was rather stupid.

“…Okay, so I gotta ask you—where exactly am I? I don’t recognize anything and I haven’t seen a Titan around for days. Which is really fucking me up, bro.”

“You’re in the forest surrounding the Leaf Village. I gotta say though, bro. You keep saying Titan this, Titan that—what the hell is a Titan?”

“Wha- What’s a _Titan_? You’re _kidding_ me, right? They’re these giant man-eating slaughter-monsters that have taken over the world and reduced the population to a mere puddle compared to what it used to be! How can you possibly not know what a Titan is?!” asks a very distraught Eren.

“Probably ‘cause those things don’t exist? Sorry to burst your bubble, buddy, but I think you might be insane or ate a bad mushroom or something.”

Silence falls again as Eren stares at the ground in disbelief. Sasuke’s just starting to wonder what the guy’s thinking when Eren speaks again: “So you’re telling me that there’s no threat of being a food source for amoral giants?”

“Uh, no. I mean, if there was, we wouldn’t have been able to sleep at all last night.”

Eren gets a blank look on his face. Confused, Sasuke carefully pokes him.

“Bro, you don’t look so good, are you gonna be all right?” Sasuke asks while awkwardly patting the bro on his face.

“I-I honestly don’t know… I feel like my whole purpose in life just disappeared. Without Titans to kill, who the fuck am I?”

“I’m pretty sure you’re Eren, a bro who can turn into a naked giant, and I think that’s pretty cool. That’s all that matters.”

“You think so, bro?” Eren asks, a glow in his eyes.

“I know so, bro.”

They both stare at the fire in mutual awkward silence for a while before Sasuke feels a literal weight on his shoulder.

“Are you fucking leaning on me?”

“Yeah, I’m tired. While you were asleep, I barely caught any z’s,” Eren says, not budging from his boneless slouch against Sasuke’s side.

“Well, get off, bro. Your head is super heavy.”

“C’mon, bro, let it slide this one time, I’m going through a life-altering change right now.”

“…Fine, but just this once. I only want the person I care about to use me as a human pillow.”

“Bro, you don’t care about me?” Eren asks in a mock-whimper.

“Of course I do, just not enough to endure your weight!”

Eren squirms to adjust himself and to make it as uncomfortable as possible for Sasuke, which causes Sasuke to scowl at him. Somehow they both find a way to get comfortable and drift off quickly into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

After what feels like months but has really only been a couple days of searching what land they could trespass, Mikasa and Armin stumble across a clearing in the forest that feels liminal, like time doesn’t exist inside this space. It feels and looks as if it’s gone untouched by man, and Mikasa gets the distinct feeling that she is out of place and unwanted here.

Armin nervously sidles closer to her, his eyes flitting about the edges of the clearing as they walk farther. “I think we should turn back,” he says.

“No.” Mikasa forges on, determined and unaffected, if annoyed, by Armin’s wariness. “It’s here—Eren came here.”

When they exit the clearing, the queer feeling begins to subside, fading further with each step they take away from it; behind her, Armin exhales a sigh of relief, though she can feel that he hasn’t completely relaxed. This looks like their forest, but it isn’t—it feels different.

They’re in the right place.

* * *

In that same moment somewhere in the outskirts of the Leaf Village, Naruto is yet again running away from Hinata—though for a different yet similar reason this time—escaping into the forest in the hopes of her losing his trail.

* * *

Snoozing the day away are our young idiots who are not at all ready for what’s about to happen to them.

On one side, we have, weighing in at a combined 250 pounds, Mikasa and Armin—and on the other, weighing in at 235 pounds (it’s the ramen), Naruto. Let’s get ready to find them!

* * *

Sasuke wakes with a heavy weight spread over his entire right side, and he can’t feel his arm. He swears he can hear Naruto’s voice along with two unfamiliar ones, shouting things that he can’t understand through the haze of sleep that still fogs his mind. That, or he could just be so tired that he’s imagining things again. But he soon rules that out when the voices, along with the sound of rapid footsteps approaching from two directions, only grow louder as his head clears, and he can finally make out what they’re saying.

“HINATA I AM SO SORRY I PROMISE I’LL NEVER TOUCH ANOTHER DROP OF LIQUOR AGAIN!”

“Eren, I know you’re here! Show yourself, you piece of shit!”

Suddenly, three figures appear, crashing through the underbrush on either side of their makeshift camp. He startles and tries to scramble to his feet, but is hindered by Eren’s heavy-ass weight pinning him down. But—

 _Naruto, he came back for me._ A wide smile tugs at his lips as he awkwardly shrugs Eren off of him, letting him fall unceremoniously to the ground, jerking him awake as well.

He doesn’t recognize the other two figures approaching, but they’re wearing the same strange clothes as Eren, and they rush over and pull the guy up before either of them have had time to properly process these events.

Sasuke begins trying to shake his arm awake as he watches the dark-haired girl begin to yell at Eren about worrying her before she engulfs him in a bear hug, which is joined somewhat less intensely a moment later by the blonde girl, who is sobbing hard enough that she can’t form words properly.

“How did you find me?” Eren asks the first girl after they both let go and step back.

But Sasuke doesn’t catch their reply, because just then, his attention is taken up by Naruto yelling, “I knew you’d come back!” and tugging him up into a bone-crushing hug which, okay, really hurts, especially in his still-half-asleep right arm! Not to mention his nub of a left arm is still a little tender from, y’know, being torn off and only half-healed.

“Bro, watch the arms!” he cries.

Naruto mumbles an apology and loosens his grip, though he doesn’t let him go.

“It’s just been such a long time since I’ve seen you, bro,” Naruto says, choking up a little. “I’ve missed ya, man.”

Sasuke missed him too but doesn’t want to admit it quite yet, so he settles for awkwardly patting him on the back. All of a sudden, he hears muffled yelling that almost sounds like someone struggling. Naruto finally releases him, and he turns around in time to see the black-haired girl dragging Eren behind her.

“Sorry, bro, I’ve gotta do something real quick,” Sasuke shoots over his shoulder before loping over to join Eren.

“Mikasa, let go, at least let me say bye to my new bro!” Eren’s pleading.

Mikasa reluctantly lets go. “Fine,” she sighs, “but don’t leave my sight.”

Eren nods and walks toward Sasuke.

“So I guess this is goodbye, Eren.”

“I guess so. You know, when you weren’t being such a pain, it was kind of fun being with you.”

“I could say the same about you, death breath.”

“Shut up, you fixed that!”

Sasuke smirks. “Well,” he says, awkwardly patting his bro’s shoulder, “if you ever find yourself in this forest again, you know where to find me.”

“I will. I’ll never forget our time together.”

“Have fun in that nightmare you call home.”

“You know I will, bitch!” Eren grins.

Behind him, Mikasa rolls her eyes, striding forward to catch Eren’s arm in her grip. “All right, time’s up. We’re going now.” Eren allows her to drag him off, grinning dopily and waving at Sasuke until he almost trips from walking backward and has to turn around and actually watch where he’s going. Mikasa grabs the crying blonde by the arm as well as they pass her, and together the three of them disappear off into the forest.

“All right bud, you’ve been gone from the Leaf Village for too long. Let’s go home,” Naruto says, clasping Sasuke’s shoulders after he’s turned away from his departing friend.

“Okay,” Sasuke smiles, letting Naruto lead him back to the village, hand in hand.

“When we get back, we have to have a drink to celebrate your return!” Naruto says triumphantly.

Sasuke clasps his hand tighter in agreement. He would like that very much.

**Author's Note:**

> Update: I was very tired when I typed this up, so there were a lot of typos (well, for me, anyway) that I'd missed, but I think I've got them all now. If you find one, though, please don't hesitate to tell me so that I can fix it - don't worry about offending me or anything like that (since I know I worry about that a lot)


End file.
